Thoughts, Realizations, & Personal Reminders

June 24, 2010

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

"If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honour it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words

then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

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Lately Isaiah 58 has been on my heart a lot and to press in to Him more than ever before that we may see His kingdom come in and through us. I've been feeling the need lately now more than ever to really be conscious of the example I set in how I live my life, with integrity and in purity. Purity, holiness, and godly righteousness (not self-righteousness) … these are not popular topics to preach on and I don't think they are emphasized enough in our walks with God. Even as God has been making me so aware of my own humanness in the past year, I have also had a deeper yearning growing in me to cling to purity and intimacy with Him like never before. So I recognize what it is to be human and it drives me to want to partner with Him even more that my humanness may be welded together with His spirit, with my identity always resting in Him.

June 27, 2010

"For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, who acts for the one who waits for Him." Isaiah 64:4

I heard God speaking to me as I was reading through Isaiah last night. Then He just really encouraged and reassured me with the verse quoted above. It goes hand in hand with an old favourite from my teen years "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I want to wake up each morning with Him taking delight in who He is and all He has placed around me, never ceasing in thanks and joyfulness!

Those closest to me know that I have been waiting and praying for my husband since I was about 14. I've always heard pretty clearly from God when a guy is not the one so I have this idea that God is also able to speak just as clearly to me when the right one does come along. The key is that I be listening. I know it is not this way for everyone but I also know some personal examples of people who have both waited and then both heard clearly from God when they met each other. I don't want to shop around or test the waters or throw myself into the first relationship that "feels right" and in doing so give away a chunk of my heart that was meant for one person alone. I will actually dare to say that I believe if I am lost enough in God and I stay close enough to Him so that I can hear His very heartbeat and whispers... I believe He will direct me and lead me and give me peace to jump in when my man comes calling. I believe He will bring me a man who has also surrendered this area of his life to God and is actively praying and listening for God's voice to know when it is the right woman. I remember reading a quote some years back that went something along the lines of "A woman should be so lost in God that a man has to search God's heart to find her." I want to be that kind of woman. This has proved to be the ultimate test of faith thus far in my life. To be continuously lost in God's heart, fully satisfied to rest in His arms and lean on my Beloved.

Some people misunderstand and think I am living in fear of being loved or loving someone. Quite the opposite! If I fear anything it is seeing a dear friend get hurt because of my own recklessness in that I tend to be open with everyone I meet of every gender and in throwing myself so fully into each friendship, some men get the wrong idea or false hopes. For this I take full responsibility and it is an area of weakness I need to work on.

I used to have the most guarded heart of anyone I knew. I was guarding my heart from my dad, from Father God, and keeping guy friends virtually non-existent in my life. A few years back God did a number of renovations on that heart of mine including completely demolishing the protective fortress I had so carefully built through years of pain and hurt. I asked God to invade me with His perfect love and cast out all fear and I praise Him that He did it! Since then I have approached every friendship rather fearlessly so something I need to re-learn (ironically something I used to be too good at) is setting healthy boundaries. Whereas before I kept people at an unhealthy distance, now I let some get too close. Something I remember learning at STC that has always echoed in my mind and popped up as a reminder when I've been too free with myself... "ungodly soul ties". People are spiritually connected, whether good or bad. There are some things about ourselves and in our hearts that should only be shared or talked about with the one we marry. Every conversation you have with a person lingers and you can make the mistake of sharing something too intimate with a friend and later having that friend hold it over your head or against you. Even the simple memories of those conversations can be something you think back to when talking about the same subject with your spouse one day and I don't want to be comparing notes in my head. I want some things to be new and fresh. As much as I am an open book and it is easy for me to answer most questions people might ask of me or about me I am freshly convicted that I need to learn to hold back in certain areas. Not out of fear but out of respect for my husband. I have nothing to hide but rather parts to reserve. I don't want all the secret and special things about me to be known to all the world. I want to keep some things hidden so that one day one man may search them out. So I need to be cautious not to let my soul make connections with other souls in ways that are only meant for my relationship with God and in the marriage context.

Some might even (ok, some have) accuse me of thinking too highly of myself and say that I have this "perfect man" in mind who will fit into my ideals and that all others fall short. This is simply not so. Just as I am faar from being the perfect woman, I expect no perfect man, for how in the world would I live up to his perfection in the midst of all my weaknesses and blunders?! I know that what I would like and what I need are not all the same things... I also know that more than anything God knows what/who I need to partner with me in the journey He has me on so that both our journeys may become one. Because of my complicated messy past, family history..etc.. and because I know who God has called me to be... I do know a couple of the attributes that I need in a husband in order for things to work. I am sure God will surprise me with the rest! Physical things are secondary as every woman knows you may meet a man who is initially very attractive but as soon as he opens his mouth he becomes most ugly. Likewise a more simple fellow can become one of the most attractive men you have ever met when you see his heart and passion for God. All that aside, we are all designed and engineered differently and I don't think any of us has much control over who we are or are not attracted to. What we do have control over is how we choose to act and respond to these attractions. Self control is most definitely a fruit of the spirit. One I have more opportunity to grow in all the time.

One of my other biggest weaknesses is time management. Being a person who is passionate about almost everything and finding new things to be passionate about every month.. lol... and combine that with a free spirit and sometimes compulsive tendencies.. I often find I am not using my time in a wise or God glorifying way. As much as I see God all around me in the day to day things, places, and people... like any close friend, one-on-one time is needed to really invest and get to know each other. None of my closest friends ever became that close from just seeing each other in group events all the time. My relationship with God is no different. I want to know God as well as He knows me and that means a sacrifice of time but the more I get to know Him and fall in love with Him the less it feels like sacrifice and the more it becomes a delight. I know that when I am diligent in these "quiet times" or what I would just call hanging out with Jesus, I am a better daughter, sister, friend and overall a delight to be around. When I neglect my relationship with the Father, I start to forget who He has made me to be and I can speak things to friends that are not being spoken in love but rather out of pride and ego. As a result most unnecessary words have been spoken and I've often regretted ever opening my mouth or letting my fingers go. The tongue is an unruly thing.. I need to pray every day for the Holy Spirit to bridal mine! I pray that in the end my tongue has done more good than harm. Intimacy with Him is vital and so long as I keep close to His heart, His words will dominate my tongue as His truth's dominate my mind.

To conclude, I am not just waiting for my husband, I am waiting on God. His word tells me He is faithful and I have decided that no matter what people of the world or even trusted friends might say to discourage me or bring doubt, I will believe the promises of God over all other voices. Call me stubborn or crazy but I have already seen God answer prayers sometimes doubted would be answered in He answered them so abundantly I was on my face in tears at His goodness. I've seen Him come through in situations that looked hopeless and screwed up beyond human repair. Although my faith may only be as small as mustard seed, I believe He will respond to that faith and until then I wait in patience and eager anticipation. Until then I find all I need in Him. He is enough.