Blessed are those who wait for Him.

"Therefore the Lord will wait, that He may be gracious to you; And therefore He will be exalted, that He may have mercy on you. For the Lord is a God of justice; Blessed are those who wait for Him." Isaiah 30:18

"Whether you turn to the right or to the left, you will hear a voice behind you saying ' This is the way, walk in it. ' " Isaiah 30:21

I truly believe that if we are faithful to hear His voice above our own wants and selfish desires... I believe that He will speak and show us the way. He is a good Shepherd and calls to His sheep to keep them and speaks truth and direction.. we just need to know His voice. I need to know His voice. I can never get to know Him enough or become familiar enough with His voice and words. There is always more to discover, always more to hear, always more to know. I LOVE THIS about the God I serve!! No matter how long I am in relationship with Him, it will never become routine or get boring because I will never have Him all figured out. His depths are bottomless yet He promises us that if we seek Him we will find Him. I want to take Him up on that and seek Him every day for the rest of my life. I feel so privileged to be able to call Him friend, Father, Lover, Redeemer...and so much more. He is all I need! Really.

My Reasons for Marriage

A few days ago I had a good friend ask me "Why do you want to get married?"

I've given it some thought and there is no short or simple answer. In fact the more I think about it the more I realize how deep my desire for marriage is! So here it is. A list of reasons all just as important as the others:

1) I have always wanted my own children and I seem to have a protective mothering way about me. I am a natural with kids of all ages and I've often said that if I am not married by a certain age I will just adopt a couple orphans because there are far too many orphans and not enough parents adopting and it would be better for an orphan to have a mother rather than no mother or father. I simply love kids and I believe they have so much to teach us... often these are things we knew ourselves as children and forgot with years and experiences of life that time always brings. There is a beautiful innocence and simplicity with which children approach life and even in their unwavering faith in a devoted mother's word or a faithful father's promise... it is that same childlike faith we need to have to enter the kingdom of God. I believe the less time we (as adults) spend with children, the easier it is to forget these simple truths and the less we learn about God's heart as a Father. If I want more of His Father's heart in me so that I can mother the next generation, what better way than to become a biological mother myself!

2) I am a very relational person and I like to put 150% into each friendship. As a result of so many people living with fear of man and/or fear of rejection, most people are not that way (protective instincts) so in almost all of my friendships and relationships I am constantly having to hold back a great deal in order that others don't feel overwhelmed at the intensity with which I naturally approach things. Got has given me an intense and passionate spirit and I do believe that when my soul meets another soul with equal intensity and passion it will only make sense to partner with each other in a life long walk of marriage. I have considered being single my whole life and told God if he asked that of me I would do it. I know one can have deep and meaningful friendships with those of the same gender. Still there is a certain way that a man and woman compliment each other and balance each other out that two of the same gender just can't do. There is also a certain kind of intimacy that can only be experienced between a man and a woman. I want to know what it is like to be as close to another human as is humanly possible.

3) With girlfriends, even a heart & soul sister girlfriend.. we could travel the world together and share many memories but there would never be a guarantee that one would end up meeting someone and getting married and that friendship would never be as close or consistent as it once was during all the times when we were both single. With a husband, once we have committed our lives to each other, that's it, we are committed. For better or for worse I know I will have someone to walk with me through every season of life. I have always had a deep desire to have a life-long companion to share with me the memories of each place we travel, each person we meet, each journey God sends us on... someone to pray and war with... where we know each other and the history of one another so intimately that when there are times that words cannot be used, there is an unspoken understanding nevertheless.

4) With each step I take close to God, as the Father continues to draw me deeper, and with each new revelation of His overwhelming and surpassing love for me... I long for the opportunity to show that love to others. Since we as the body of Christ are His bridegroom, and Jesus is my true husband.. I feel like the ultimate test of my capacity to love would be in the form of marriage. I want the chance to love someone the way God loves me. To be in the kind of relationship where that person lets me into the deepest parts and shares things with me they have shared with no one else. To be in a relationship where there is that safety of commitment and I can share at the same depths knowing they won't run off on me. To see the best in a person along with their imperfections and to have the opportunity to love them unconditionally for exactly who they are at that point in their life. To completely know, and to be completely known... and to love and be loved anyways. Of course only God can ever know us COMPLETELY but as much as a human can know another... I want to experience that. My love has been tested in family relationships.. and it has been tested in friendships... it is still tested on a continual basis. But I want more of a challenge than that. I know marriage is one of the most difficult journeys a person can embark on, but I also believe it can be the most rewarding and exhilarating adventure of them all.

5) Seeing my parents separate and divorce when I was young but old enough to remember is something I have learned a great deal from. At times I was shattered by the decisions my parents made... I never understood why it happened to my family and all my friends' parents managed to stay together (of course as the years went on more and more parents got divorced but it wasn't quite a trend when it happened to my family). Why did my parents choose to stop loving each other and why did they have to use us as pawns to hurt one another as the ultimate betrayal... turning your own children against your former spouse. Having your own children see you fall off your pedestal and no longer look up to you like they once did... how hard would that be for a parent? Seeing my own father go through 2 divorces and marry 3 times... watching my mom date man after man who didn't love God or know how to treat a daughter of the living God.. seeing my mom get into relationships that mimicked marriage in that they were sexual but lacking the safety of marriage vows. Seeing the emotional and extreme highs and lows she went through as a result. Total "cloud nine" bliss.. then wallowing in the lowest gutters of depression and self-pity. I watched and saw how damaging these relationships were and how even though my parents gained more life experience and learned from each one, they were not necessary experiences and the fruit it produced in their hearts and on their faith was not good fruit. I witnessed firsthand what results from broken covenant. In my own relationship with God I have been blessed to know true covenant relationship with my Maker. To know that He is faithful and He will never leave or forsake me, even if all others do, He will be there. Always. In a world where divorce is a trend and fear of commitment or even getting married is so high I wish to get married and model my marriage as that of our covenant relationship with God. Through the Holy Spirit's help I wish to show the world that it is not impossible for two human beings to commit to each other for an entire lifetime and to choose to love each other with an agape love throughout this earthly life. I learned a lot from watching my parents and while I could have concluded by watching them that marriage is just a joke or no guarantee that one might leave when things get rough... I have instead concluded that I will not make the same decisions as them. I will do better. I am sure I will still make mistakes but I will have a marriage with God at the center and where love is a choice, not mere feelings or emotions. Emotions and feelings come and go but covenant vows made before an almighty God are not vows made to be broken and ultimately we must choose to love unconditionally. It is not something that comes naturally to our human nature.. but the more we become united with God and one with His Spirit, the more our human nature is overpowered by our new God-given nature and God-given desires. The more revelation I get of His love for me and how deeply and completely He has forgiven me, the more I want to love like Him on others and the more I realize my need to extend that same forgiveness and grace to others. To lay my life down. Marriage is the ultimate laying down of one's life as it is a constant give and take, compromise, surrender, submitting, preferring another over yourself, sacrificing...etc.

6) I feel that at some point in my life God is going to send me into some of the darkest evil corners on this earth to bring His light. Specifically in areas where women and children are being abused in every way imaginable and even in ways we can't imagine... my heart is to bring His justice and mercy and light into those places. To rescue and defend those whom no one else will protect. To intercede and bring down spiritual strongholds that bind the people doing these things and to see souls set free!! The thing is, I know that to go into such places as a single woman would be asking for trouble. While I do believe that the Lord can protect me in any den of lions I would have to be sooooo sensitive to His voice all the time in order to only go where He sends me and to stop in my tracks when He says thats far enough. I am not saying that once I get married I won't need to hear from the Lord for myself anymore. On the contrare, I will need to hear from Him all the more! I just think that two pairs of ears are better than one especially when it comes to confirmation and walking in united agreement. Even in practical things.. if one falls down, the other is there to pick him/her up. I really do believe that with most things in life, two is better than one. While I have told God I will go into the brothel districts and gang dens of the world all by myself if that is how He sends me... I would not protest if He should choose to send me a husband to walk beside me saying "She is mine, don't even think about it."

7) Ultimately I do not believe God would have given me such a deep desire to experience covenant relationship with a man on earth if God did not intend to fulfill that desire. If God had wanted me to walk out His calling for my life as a celibate and single woman, He would have given me the grace for it. He still could. However I suspect that as my desire for marriage only deepens with each wave of love I find in knowing Him... I suspect that He intends to meet that desire with more than I ever could have dreamed for.

In the beginning even as glorious as all His creation was... after Adam God still knew something was missing. SomeONE was missing. He said, it is not good for man to be alone. I think that He meant "man" as in mankind. So I read that as "It is not good for a man or woman to be alone." Somehow I don't think God has changed His mind. I think we have been designed for marriage and the enemy does everything in his power to separate/alienate us from each other because once we feel totally alone we are the easiest target for temptation and sin.

Somewhere out there there is a man with a missing rib and when we unite I will fit into his ribcage like I was never independent of it! I may be one of the most independent women I know but not out of choice or any desire to be alone; more out of circumstances and necessity. Someday someone will come along that I can depend on and likewise he will learn to depend on me...together we will live a life of dependancy on God as we realize that each breath is a gift and he cannot make one hair on our own heads black or white. He holds matter together itself! What a mind boggling Creator we serve.

Consumed & Burden for Intercession

Our God is a Love-invading, fear-destroying, peace-bringing, hope-renewing, character-refining, arm-enveloping ALL-consuming fire! When we've completely surrendered every area to Him to be tested in the fire, we can rest assured that whatever survives the fire is of Him.

More than survive, we are called to thrive & live a life to the fullest; all glory to Him who is big enough to do all we ask & hope for... even beyond. I am daily astounded & in awe of Him. How awesome is this God who calls us not servants but friends!?!

Over the past few weeks I have just been increasingly overwhelmed by His love and all the ways He showers it on us and even more so impressed with all the opportunities He gives us to shower it on others.

My continuous prayer is that He be consistently replacing my human heart and it's selfish heart motives with His God-heart and it's selfless motives. I want to live a selfless life so I must make a conscious effort to be asking Him in each situation and circumstance of life, "What does your heart feel when it looks at this person or place? What do your eyes see and what is happening in the spiritual realm that I can't see in the physical?" I pray He lifts the veil off of my eyes and yours so that we can see things with pure perspective and undiluted/undistorted vision. Then when we see as He sees and feels what He feels we can more effectively pray His will into the situation or over the person.

Lately (the past month or so) He has been reminding me of the call to intercession. Both as a lifestyle and in the form of intercessory prayer. As His children and representatives on earth we are called to stand in the gap for those who cannot fight for themselves yet. Just after I finished the discipleship school a couple years ago, I started an incredible book full of revelation and teaching called "Intercessory Prayer" by Dutch Sheets. I recently picked it up again and continued from where I left off. I realized that I had forgotten just how powerful our prayers are and what an incredibly integral part we play in how God's will is brought to earth as it is in heaven. I was reminded of my authority and the authority I carry specifically in the area of prayer and indeed how my prayers can and will move heaven and earth in eternal ways. I was convicted of how in my own walk I have not always taken this call to intercession and prayer seriously. In some respects I know that there have been periods of time where I have dropped my sword and stopped fighting for the things He has burdened me to fight for. This is a serious conviction considering that to whom much is given, much is required. As someone with a high perceiver gift coupled with a strong call/burden to intercession I have more responsibility to use the revelation He has given me and the weapons to war in the spirit for the things He reveals to me than someone who does not see these things and is still unaware of the battle in the heavenlies. I know the victory is already won, but He has delegated us to enforce that victory and we have a very real responsibility to walk as children of light and push back the darkness. This can happen in many forms but the foundation of it all is intercession and prayer.

For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, and being ready to punish all disobedience when your obedience is fulfilled. 2 Corinthians 10:3-6

For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Therefore take up the whole armour of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand. Ephesians 6:12-13

In the flesh we can't do much. But oh my goodness what a force for change we are when we drop to our knees and take up arms against the powers of darkness!

I think I will be blogging more on this topic but for now I hope you are encouraged and challenged to be faithful with whatever He has given you including truth, the breastplate of righteousness, the gospel of peace, the shield of faith, the helmut of salvation, and the sword of the spirit which is the word of God (this means being in the Word more than once/week if you want to see victory in your day-to-day life and not just warm fuzzy feelings on Sundays) ... the section of scripture I am referring to goes on to say .. "praying ALWAYS with all prayer and supplication (or petitioning) in the Spirit, being WATCHFUL to this end with all PERSEVERANCE and SUPPLICATION for all the saints.." (emphasis mine).

Enitrely His, Watching, & letting rivers burst forth!

This blog begins with what God has been speaking through Oswald Chambers again in his devotions I'm reading.

Sept 4th - I am not my own, but entirely His. Learning to seek Him as much as He seeks me, consciously surrendering ownership of my life, recognizing I belong to Him and asking myself what my life should look like if I am found only in Him. How do get lost in His love/heart while still getting all the practical day to day things done? Finding that the more I get fall in love with Him, the more I see other's through His eyes, the more I fall in love with people and the more I can love myself. The more I love myself the more I take care of my body and do things that are life giving.

Sept 5th - "Watch with Me" ... God is asking me to get on my knees more in partnership with Him for the things that break His heart. To join Jesus in that place of intercession for His lost children. We are so used to God "watching with us" but how often do we leave our place of comfort, or sacrifice some time, to meet Jesus in the Garden and watch with Him? To be there not with our shopping list or to receive anything from Him but rather to give back. I recognize that this doesn't come right away in a person's walk with Christ, and it takes a certain maturity in our spiritual walk to be able to sacrifice ourselves in this way without any concern for ourselves, but rather His kingdom. I've known for a long time that He has called me this but I was not in a place before to answer this specific call of "watch with me" ... on a regular basis. I didn't feel ready. I feel He has brought me to that place and has fully equipped me to join Him in this place. I am ready. This is the new and exciting challenge I am going to take on. Even more, it is a joy and honour that my Lord asks me to join Him... indeed, He invites me in to Gethsemane to that secret place of warring, the Spirit groaning through us, the strongholds being destroyed and His kingdom established. First in me, then the world around me. It all has to come out of intimacy with Him, this I am continually reminding myself of.

Sept 6th - Rivers of living water.

"A river is victoriously persistent, it overcomes all barriers. For a while it goes steadily on its course, then it comes to an obstacle and for a while it is baulked, but it soon makes a pathway round the obstacle. Or a river will drop out of sight for miles, and presently emerge again broader and grander than ever."

I feel this is a good analogy for what God has been doing in me and my life. I have come against so many barriers through the years and seen many storms from a young age. Through each storm, Jesus kept me afloat, and with each barrier, the Holy Spirit helped me either around it or even better, to plow right through it. In times where I was inches from drowning and I knew the barriers would be overcome with time that had not yet passed... in those times I found security and hope in the arms of my Father, always strong enough to protect me from the lions but gentle enough to speak the tender words of affirmation and healing to my wounded spirit. He gave me hope. From about 16 years of age to 21 I went underground in so many ways. It was a period of time for Him to put me through some fires, to refine, heal, and strengthen me in all the ways I would need before He could send me out into the fullness of my calling.

Will finish this later....

Socrates, Jesus, and the need to be true Seekers.

I just cracked an interesting book I found at a second hand bookstore a couple months ago called "Socrates Cafe" and it is basically about Socratic questioning, what that looks like, and how we can do it in local coffee shops, libraries, schools...etc. Although I have yet to research about the other well known philosophers of old, I'm getting a fairly good grasp of who Socrates was, or at least the type of social reform and method of questioning that came about from his life.

It made me think, do I question enough? No, I don't. When it come to God, I find it easier to simply trust. But then with life in general and the things that go on in our world; if people weren't afraid to ask more questions, and really search out the answers which in turn would open the door for more questions.. if people were not afraid to dig to the root of things, would not more people find God in their search for truth and love.. and would believers actually be able to know why they believe what they believe? I think so.

I think there is a tendency in the world and our modern culture which has also seeped into the common church.. a tendency to accept whatever is spoon fed to us. To believe and accept as fact or truth whatever others (whether it be media, books, preachers, motivational speakers, famous persons...etc) present to us in an appealing and sensible way. The error of this is so huge and I think it is part of the reason so many churchgoers are lukewarm and not truly living passionate extreme lives with and for Jesus. It is also part of the reason so many unbelievers are turned off of church and God. They see so much hypocrisy and things being spouted as ultimate truth without those spouting it being able to tell why it is truth and why they believe it themselves. If a person gets saved and starts going to a church and just takes all one hears at face value and does not go and search it for oneself.. then when the enemy starts throwing lies and bringing opinions and ideas contrary to God's Word, why wouldn't this person be swayed or choked out by the thorn bushes?

If we do not challenge each other with questions about our faith, theology, and relationship with God, how will we grow and be grounded in our walks? Even to ask questions like, what is faith? What do others say faith is? What does faith look like when it is something we live every day and breathing moment? How do we see unbelievers living in faith and how do believers live a God-faith led life?What is hell? Is it what the church has taught for centuries or does the Bible actually reveal something very different and have most "hell verses" been taken grossly out of context and mistranslated from the original meanings in greek and hebrew? What is Heaven? Is it some pie in the sky we go to when we die or is it the kingdom of God being brought to earth by us, His hands and feet? What do many people in the world believe about the heaven and hell of the Bible? Are they real places? How do these subjects relate to a good, holy, compassionate, just, and loving God?

I've realized that Socratic questioning is an incredible tool we do not use enough. The more questions I ask, not being afraid to let those questions lead to more questions... the more I discover what I believe and how others might see things from various perspectives and world views. The wonderful thing that excites me like no other is that although with Socrates he might have only ended his thought processes with more unanswerable questions... we can take these questions, bring them to God, and research His word for the answers and truths to satisfy these questions. Matthew 11:25 says that He reveals the secret and hidden mysteries to babes (as we come to Him as children, honestly seeking without bias, imploring endlessly as many curious children do, and believing Him with that simple childlike faith when He does reveal the answers) that were otherwise inaccessible to us. God is all truth and all knowledge so unlike the followers of Socrates who sought answers and found only more questions (which wasn't always bad but it did lead to a revolution and lots of bloodshed) .. as followers of Jesus in relationship with the Trinity, the closer we get to Him and more we learn of who He is, the more answers we find to questions we never understood and the more we can rest in peace with the realization that we actually know so very little but He knows all and we are in His hands. This is the best place we can possibly be. I think the more questions we ask the more we realize just how lost and stupid we are and henceforth realize our need for Him. To know that I have been found by Him and reside in Him makes it ok that I do not know all the answers but also spurs me to ask more questions as there is much He wants to reveal to us if only we are willing to search it out we would find. There are many doors we could spend years wondering about what is behind them... or we could knock and see Him answer!

For anyone wanting to read an interesting and helpful comparison of Socrates and Jesus check out the link below.

http://www.bible-ebooks.com/articles/socrates.html

Reading Romans during break at work today and God highlighted Romans 8:25 to me:

But if we hope for what we do not see, we eagerly wait for it with perseverance.

So I am in a place of searching out God's truth's, asking myself more questions like "what do I believe, why do I believe it and what kind of answers can I give people when they ask me the reason for this hope I have inside?" I am in a place of hope for the unseen, waiting in patience with perseverance and anticipation. Every day I wake up is better than the last because it is another day I am blessed with to be breathing, witnessing God's mercies new every morning. How incredible is life!!

Commit, trust, & take it one step at a time.

Word of the day:

Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him, and He shall bring it to pass. Psalm 37:5

I read this in my Bible today, the guy speaking at church today mentioned this verse, then again at Bible study another girl paraphrased it as she was sharing. 3 times in one day, I'm paying attention. I don't understand all that God is doing in my life right now but I know it is good. Something today's speaker said that gave me confirmation and comfort was when he talked about God's will. He said God has two wills. One general one for everyone (the great commission) and a very specific one for each individual. Even though one can read through the story of Abraham in about an hour, that story took place over a span of 60 years and Abraham only heard God's specific will for his life every 7 years or so. The point this guy made was that we don't need to be hearing God's specific will for our life every day, month, or year. God may speak to us a very specific word and all we have to do is follow in obedience for however long a period of time that is, being faithful with what God has given us until He speaks again or gives us more. Or both. Ever since I was a little girl I wanted to go to Africa. As I grew older the desire to minister to the poorest and neediest in this world only increased and extended to all/any 3rd world countries. I never used to feel cut out to minister to people in North America as there are so many material distractions and even our poorest street people have so much more compared to the majority of the people in the world, especially developing nations. There are so many layers and levels and complications in our society that I always felt much more equipped to go to a place where things are more simple.. where I would be helping people dig a clean, safe, fresh-water well, teaching them some basic agriculture and farming so they can grow their own food... basic hygiene... and then of course introducing them to Jesus and God's word... that was where I always thought I'd go within a few years of graduating highschool.

Now God is doing these incredible things in the VLA and showing me how He has equipped me and is using me and it is not even as complicated as it seems; if I realize that all these kids, families, and people need is for someone to love them unconditionally and believe in them. To tell them they can dream again, and dream big! To encourage them and help them get going with these dreams... to make them a reality. Because I have the Father's love in me and pouring through me, that alone equips me to minister in this neighbourhood. As long as I stay in relationship with Him, He can begin relationships with these kids and youth, their parents..everyone! I still know I am called to rescue women and children out of human trafficking and somehow be involved in stopping it from happening in our communities and around the world... but right now God has dropped me in the centre of this community, given me children to love on, mom's to build friendships with (many are my age or some even younger), and more than I ever thought possible given me more of His heart for them. I can't just up and abandon the good work He has begun and go on in peace until He releases me. All I know is that right now it is God's will for me to stay in PG and commit myself to Him and these kids. I am ok with taking it one step at a time. Right now the next step is moving into a house with some other young adult friends who also have a heart for the VLA and to live there as a ministry. The house is right in the centre of the VLA so we'd be better located to further build relationships and love on our neighbours. It is only a few blocks from the duplex I rented by myself for a few months in the spring. I really loved having that place all to myself and having all my neighbours as drug dealers meant for an exciting place to live! It was a short and sweet season. Definitely much easier to live without roommates but there are pros and cons to both and I am looking forward to living in a community house with friends I can share meals with again. Even just to have someone there when God has done something incredible and you come home and want to tell someone about it; to have that option! I was raised to be very independent but more and more I recognize my need for others, their need for me, and how connected we are as a body... at least how connected we need to be in order to operate as Jesus intended.

Social Justice & Contentment in the Present

Here is what has come about in the past month or so.

I was seriously planning on moving to Vancouver this fall, October or November. I miss my sisters, brother-in-law, Dad, uncles, and that whole side of the family so much it just seemed to make sense for me to get down there as soon as possible. Once again, God seems to have other plans in mind, and as I've surrendered all these ideas and decisions to Him I find myself surprisingly content and at peace with the direction He is taking my feet even if it is not what I would have originally chosen for myself.

The friend I was going to possibly be roommates with in Vancouver has since made other plans. I also realized that if I were to move to Van in Oct/Nov and then leave for Barbados in July, I would only just be getting settled in and perhaps just started building a couple solid friendships when I would be up and leaving again. In terms of storing my things in Vancouver, that is another expensive problem I would need to find a solution to. I would rather spend the next year further investing into the relationships in PG and being faithful with the ones He has given me here, than trying to start from scratch for such a limited amount of time in Vancouver.

A few weeks ago I applied for a full time term position at the hospital. It is a Mon-Friday deal in one of my favourite places to work, OR. I've only been in housekeeping for a year and three months so I am still very much near the bottom of seniority and thought for sure someone above me would apply and take the position. I happened to look at the board and notice this term the last day it was up so I quickly filled out the form and just dropped it in the box not thinking much of it. 3 days later I get a call from my boss telling me I got the position if I wanted it and that I could start August 24th. With family coming up I had intentionally only booked shifts until August 24 and then wanted to keep the days my sisters and Jonny will be up here open. Start dates for term positions (if you get them) are not usually negotiable, however family is a priority for me so I decided I would tell my boss "I would like to take the position but I have previous family commitments and cannot start until Sept 6th" and if I was meant to have it he would accommodate. It wouldn't be hard for staffing to fill that 2 week gap with casuals but it also isn't usually an option for a casual to choose their start date if they get a position. However, a week later I got the official document in the mail from northern health confirming my term position and start date Sept 6th! Hours are 2-10pm so I have to sacrifice evenings but it is worth it. This means guaranteed full time work with weekends open and a schedule I can plan around! Last winter work during November and December slowed right down and I hardly had any work as a casual, just enough for rent and food. With a guaranteed steady income and a fixed paycheck I will be able to budget, taking into account rent and a set amount put aside for groceries, a small monthly allowance, tithing, and then put the rest aside for YWAM.

Speaking of YWAM, that is another somewhat recent development. I have thought about and considered it for a number of years but never felt the timing was right, nor was I in a position to make enough money to save for it. What I would really like to do is the in depth inductive style teaching SBS (School of Biblical Studies) with YWAM offered in a number of locations around the world. Something I desperately miss about the discipleship school I did in Abbotsford is the in depth Bible study and solid teaching we received there. I love taking a book of scripture and going through it verse by verse, section by section, researching the culture and era it was written in and to which people groups is was written to. To know God's word in context, allowing me to better understand what was being said and therefore better understanding how it applies to our lives today. With full time work, day to day responsibilities, and lives to invest in it is difficult to study the Bible in such a way while keeping up with the rest of life. I would love to be in an environment where myself and those around me are digging into the word 8 hours/day, discovering things anew, and challenging each other as we go. I recently found out YWAM offers a Social Justice dts in a couple of locations. Since I know God has called me to a life of fighting for social justice issues on a global scale, it makes sense to do a dts that will help me to connect and network with others who share the same passion.

There is a Social Justice dts in Barbados that starts every July and that is the one I am thinking of applying for. I just discovered today while visiting the YWAM site again that there is actually a Social Justice dts in Kona, Hawaii that starts this September!!! If only I had the money I would be tempted to go for that one but that would not leave me much time to plan, pack, and buy plane tickets.

Here are the links for the two social justice dts' I am looking at:

http://uofnkona.org/index.php?option=com_content&view=article&id=154&Itemid=659&lang=en

http://ywambarbados.org/dts/justice-dts

In the meantime I am discovering the joy and contentment of not rushing through life at the superspeed most of our culture runs at. I've been reading a revolutionary book called "Everything Must Change" by Brian McLaren and one of the points he makes (in specifically talking about the prosperity system but which also applies to all of life) which I so appreciate is this [ These abstract obsessions drive it mindlessly and relentlessly toward "more," "bigger," and "faster," but never allow us to ask "More what?" "Why bigger?" and "Faster to where, and for what purpose?" ] I don't want to be one of those people who is in such a hurry to get to the next stage of life that I never actually stop and enjoy the season I am in. I want to live my life to the fullest and I believe a a huge part of that is living in the moment.

I've realized that although I still feel the urgency to act on the things I can change and the injustices I can stop, I don't need to be in a state of perpetual rushing as I walk out God's call on my life. Even the fact that I am only 22 and I already know what I want to do with the rest of my life, what my passions and giftings are and that it is paramount for me to take a stand against human/social injustices (especially in the area of human trafficking) in a real and tangible way... that is huge. A lot of people in their 40's and 50's still don't know what they want to do with their lives or what they are most passionate about... many are stuck in careers they never wanted or tied down with mortgages they can't be free from. I am still young, I have a good paying job, no debt, great relationships with family members, some incredible friends (and a few soul friends), I know which passions I want to concentrate on and where I want my life to go, even if I am not sure how this path will take shape or in what timing. I am blessed. So whether the money thing miraculously works itself out by this September and I can go sooner than later... or whether God does want me to stay in Prince George another year and continue to invest in the people he has placed in my life for this season... I do not know. All I know is that I am content with where I am and I am going to make the most of this season of life.

Alive

I was riding my bike home from a friends at midnight Sunday evening. The air was warm and the wind was blowing strong all around me and even as my body was tired it felt good to feel the leg muscles straining as they grew stronger with each rotation of the pedals... the trees were bowing low the wind was so strong, and it just happened to be blowing against me with every hill I came to... it was invigorating to throw myself at each hill with all my strength; even with all of it my legs seemed to be moving in slow motion the gusts were so strong against me. I was reminded that even as we are walking with God and sometimes we feel we are giving Him all we have yet things feel like they are moving in slow motion, He is strengthening us all the more, building endurance, testing our patience and ability to trust in Him. Often when things seem to be going in slow motion He is doing a deeper work than we will ever know but the fruit will come in due season. There are times when patience has been a fairly easy thing for me.. these days I find it tested on an almost daily basis and I thank God for His grace and Spirit which allows me to do all things (or refrain from other things) in Him.

I was tired but the wind sneaking through the fabric of clothing and the silence of a warm summer night reminded me of how amazing it is to be alive. I never tire of the magic of riding darkened streets late at night in the stillness while most are slumbering in oblivion, buildings closed and quiet... open streets and lanes all my own. I often find I am most aware of my surroundings and I feel most alive in the world during these quiet moments alone when no one can see or hear me... I feel the awesomeness of the One I love as I float in the middle of a deep river, head back and the current swirling around, above, and beneath me... I am encompassed by it's power but not overtaken. As I float and meditate, or lay in the grass and stare at the stars... taking in all He has made... the more I fall in love and find that peace running deeper than ever before. I never want to leave this river.

Yes it feels good to be alive.

Isaiah, a true prophet indeed.

Excerpts from Isaiah 58, The Message version. I just can't read this too many times.


6-9"This is the kind of fast day I'm after:
to break the chains of injustice,
get rid of exploitation in the workplace,
free the oppressed,
cancel debts.
What I'm interested in seeing you do is:
sharing your food with the hungry,
inviting the homeless poor into your homes,
putting clothes on the shivering ill-clad,
being available to your own families.
Do this and the lights will turn on,
and your lives will turn around at once.
Your righteousness will pave your way.
The God of glory will secure your passage.
Then when you pray, God will answer.
You'll call out for help and I'll say, 'Here I am.'


9-12"If you get rid of unfair practices,
quit blaming victims,
quit gossiping about other people's sins,
If you are generous with the hungry
and start giving yourselves to the down-and-out,
Your lives will begin to glow in the darkness,
your shadowed lives will be bathed in sunlight.
I will always show you where to go.
I'll give you a full life in the emptiest of places—
firm muscles, strong bones.
You'll be like a well-watered garden,
a gurgling spring that never runs dry.
You'll use the old rubble of past lives to build anew,
rebuild the foundations from out of your past.
You'll be known as those who can fix anything,
restore old ruins, rebuild and renovate,
make the community livable again.
13-14"If you watch your step on the Sabbath
and don't use my holy day for personal advantage,
If you treat the Sabbath as a day of joy,
God's holy day as a celebration,
If you honor it by refusing 'business as usual,'
making money, running here and there—
Then you'll be free to enjoy God!
Oh, I'll make you ride high and soar above it all.
I'll make you feast on the inheritance of your ancestor Jacob."
Yes! God says so!



I have never been very good at fasting food as my body gets so weak so quickly I don't have energy or brain power to do much but stay at home and in the working world that just isn't an option. I think the longest I've lasted was 5 or 6 days. I don't mind not eating but the side effects long term fasting has on my body are lightheadedness and almost no energy so I become quite useless. It is a relief that although God sees and can use our food fasting prayer focussed endeavours, He is looking more for a lifestyle change, not just denying our bodies some food every once in a while. I think it is much easier to deny our bodies food than to let God change our hearts, habits, ways of thinking, and very lifestyles.

I love that I am called to break the chains of injustice, to abolish exploitation, free the oppressed and cancel debts. I want my lifestyle to be one of always sharing my food with the hungry, of having a home with guest bedrooms so I can invite the homeless to come live with me and disciple them through relationships... to clothe those who are cold and to always keep family a priority. I want to restore the old ruins and rebuild foundations.


61:1 The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to bring good news to the poor; [1]
he has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim liberty to the captives,
and the opening of the prison to those who are bound; [2]
2 to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor,
and the day of vengeance of our God;
to comfort all who mourn;
3 to grant to those who mourn in Zion—
to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
the garment of praise instead of a faint spirit;
that they may be called oaks of righteousness,
the planting of the Lord, that he may be glorified. [3]
4 They shall build up the ancient ruins;
they shall raise up the former devastations;
they shall repair the ruined cities,
the devastations of many generations.

5 Strangers shall stand and tend your flocks;
foreigners shall be your plowmen and vinedressers;
6 but you shall be called the priests of the Lord;
they shall speak of you as the ministers of our God;
you shall eat the wealth of the nations,
and in their glory you shall boast.
7 Instead of your shame there shall be a double portion;
instead of dishonor they shall rejoice in their lot;
therefore in their land they shall possess a double portion;
they shall have everlasting joy.

8 For I the Lord love justice;
I hate robbery and wrong; [4]
I will faithfully give them their recompense,
and I will make an everlasting covenant with them.
9 Their offspring shall be known among the nations,
and their descendants in the midst of the peoples;
all who see them shall acknowledge them,
that they are an offspring the Lord has blessed.

10 I will greatly rejoice in the Lord;
my soul shall exult in my God,
for he has clothed me with the garments of salvation;
he has covered me with the robe of righteousness,
as a bridegroom decks himself like a priest with a beautiful headdress,
and as a bride adorns herself with her jewels.
11 For as the earth brings forth its sprouts,
and as a garden causes what is sown in it to sprout up,
so the Lord God will cause righteousness and praise
to sprout up before all the nations.


As my sister Rachel so amply named her blog I echo her desires to "do justice, love mercy, walk humbly" ... this is how we are called to live. Taken from Micah 6:8

"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."

Or the message version puts it well too:

But he's already made it plain how to live, what to do,
what God is looking for in men and women.
It's quite simple: Do what is fair and just to your neighbour,
be compassionate and loyal in your love,
And don't take yourself too seriously—
take God seriously.

Thoughts, Realizations, & Personal Reminders

June 24, 2010

Is not this the kind of fasting I have chosen:
to loose the chains of injustice
and untie the cords of the yoke,
to set the oppressed free
and break every yoke?

Is it not to share your food with the hungry
and to provide the poor wanderer with shelter—
when you see the naked, to clothe him,
and not to turn away from your own flesh and blood?

Then your light will break forth like the dawn,
and your healing will quickly appear;
then your righteousness will go before you,
and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard.

Then you will call, and the LORD will answer;
you will cry for help, and he will say: Here am I.
"If you do away with the yoke of oppression,
with the pointing finger and malicious talk,

and if you spend yourselves in behalf of the hungry
and satisfy the needs of the oppressed,
then your light will rise in the darkness,
and your night will become like the noonday.

The LORD will guide you always;
he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land
and will strengthen your frame.
You will be like a well-watered garden,
like a spring whose waters never fail.

Your people will rebuild the ancient ruins
and will raise up the age-old foundations;
you will be called Repairer of Broken Walls,
Restorer of Streets with Dwellings.

"If you keep your feet from breaking the Sabbath
and from doing as you please on my holy day,
if you call the Sabbath a delight
and the LORD's holy day honorable,
and if you honour it by not going your own way
and not doing as you please or speaking idle words

then you will find your joy in the LORD,
and I will cause you to ride on the heights of the land
and to feast on the inheritance of your father Jacob."
The mouth of the LORD has spoken.

_________________________________

Lately Isaiah 58 has been on my heart a lot and to press in to Him more than ever before that we may see His kingdom come in and through us. I've been feeling the need lately now more than ever to really be conscious of the example I set in how I live my life, with integrity and in purity. Purity, holiness, and godly righteousness (not self-righteousness) … these are not popular topics to preach on and I don't think they are emphasized enough in our walks with God. Even as God has been making me so aware of my own humanness in the past year, I have also had a deeper yearning growing in me to cling to purity and intimacy with Him like never before. So I recognize what it is to be human and it drives me to want to partner with Him even more that my humanness may be welded together with His spirit, with my identity always resting in Him.

June 27, 2010

"For since the beginning of the world men have not heard nor perceived by the ear, nor has the eye seen any God besides You, who acts for the one who waits for Him." Isaiah 64:4

I heard God speaking to me as I was reading through Isaiah last night. Then He just really encouraged and reassured me with the verse quoted above. It goes hand in hand with an old favourite from my teen years "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart." I want to wake up each morning with Him taking delight in who He is and all He has placed around me, never ceasing in thanks and joyfulness!

Those closest to me know that I have been waiting and praying for my husband since I was about 14. I've always heard pretty clearly from God when a guy is not the one so I have this idea that God is also able to speak just as clearly to me when the right one does come along. The key is that I be listening. I know it is not this way for everyone but I also know some personal examples of people who have both waited and then both heard clearly from God when they met each other. I don't want to shop around or test the waters or throw myself into the first relationship that "feels right" and in doing so give away a chunk of my heart that was meant for one person alone. I will actually dare to say that I believe if I am lost enough in God and I stay close enough to Him so that I can hear His very heartbeat and whispers... I believe He will direct me and lead me and give me peace to jump in when my man comes calling. I believe He will bring me a man who has also surrendered this area of his life to God and is actively praying and listening for God's voice to know when it is the right woman. I remember reading a quote some years back that went something along the lines of "A woman should be so lost in God that a man has to search God's heart to find her." I want to be that kind of woman. This has proved to be the ultimate test of faith thus far in my life. To be continuously lost in God's heart, fully satisfied to rest in His arms and lean on my Beloved.

Some people misunderstand and think I am living in fear of being loved or loving someone. Quite the opposite! If I fear anything it is seeing a dear friend get hurt because of my own recklessness in that I tend to be open with everyone I meet of every gender and in throwing myself so fully into each friendship, some men get the wrong idea or false hopes. For this I take full responsibility and it is an area of weakness I need to work on.

I used to have the most guarded heart of anyone I knew. I was guarding my heart from my dad, from Father God, and keeping guy friends virtually non-existent in my life. A few years back God did a number of renovations on that heart of mine including completely demolishing the protective fortress I had so carefully built through years of pain and hurt. I asked God to invade me with His perfect love and cast out all fear and I praise Him that He did it! Since then I have approached every friendship rather fearlessly so something I need to re-learn (ironically something I used to be too good at) is setting healthy boundaries. Whereas before I kept people at an unhealthy distance, now I let some get too close. Something I remember learning at STC that has always echoed in my mind and popped up as a reminder when I've been too free with myself... "ungodly soul ties". People are spiritually connected, whether good or bad. There are some things about ourselves and in our hearts that should only be shared or talked about with the one we marry. Every conversation you have with a person lingers and you can make the mistake of sharing something too intimate with a friend and later having that friend hold it over your head or against you. Even the simple memories of those conversations can be something you think back to when talking about the same subject with your spouse one day and I don't want to be comparing notes in my head. I want some things to be new and fresh. As much as I am an open book and it is easy for me to answer most questions people might ask of me or about me I am freshly convicted that I need to learn to hold back in certain areas. Not out of fear but out of respect for my husband. I have nothing to hide but rather parts to reserve. I don't want all the secret and special things about me to be known to all the world. I want to keep some things hidden so that one day one man may search them out. So I need to be cautious not to let my soul make connections with other souls in ways that are only meant for my relationship with God and in the marriage context.

Some might even (ok, some have) accuse me of thinking too highly of myself and say that I have this "perfect man" in mind who will fit into my ideals and that all others fall short. This is simply not so. Just as I am faar from being the perfect woman, I expect no perfect man, for how in the world would I live up to his perfection in the midst of all my weaknesses and blunders?! I know that what I would like and what I need are not all the same things... I also know that more than anything God knows what/who I need to partner with me in the journey He has me on so that both our journeys may become one. Because of my complicated messy past, family history..etc.. and because I know who God has called me to be... I do know a couple of the attributes that I need in a husband in order for things to work. I am sure God will surprise me with the rest! Physical things are secondary as every woman knows you may meet a man who is initially very attractive but as soon as he opens his mouth he becomes most ugly. Likewise a more simple fellow can become one of the most attractive men you have ever met when you see his heart and passion for God. All that aside, we are all designed and engineered differently and I don't think any of us has much control over who we are or are not attracted to. What we do have control over is how we choose to act and respond to these attractions. Self control is most definitely a fruit of the spirit. One I have more opportunity to grow in all the time.

One of my other biggest weaknesses is time management. Being a person who is passionate about almost everything and finding new things to be passionate about every month.. lol... and combine that with a free spirit and sometimes compulsive tendencies.. I often find I am not using my time in a wise or God glorifying way. As much as I see God all around me in the day to day things, places, and people... like any close friend, one-on-one time is needed to really invest and get to know each other. None of my closest friends ever became that close from just seeing each other in group events all the time. My relationship with God is no different. I want to know God as well as He knows me and that means a sacrifice of time but the more I get to know Him and fall in love with Him the less it feels like sacrifice and the more it becomes a delight. I know that when I am diligent in these "quiet times" or what I would just call hanging out with Jesus, I am a better daughter, sister, friend and overall a delight to be around. When I neglect my relationship with the Father, I start to forget who He has made me to be and I can speak things to friends that are not being spoken in love but rather out of pride and ego. As a result most unnecessary words have been spoken and I've often regretted ever opening my mouth or letting my fingers go. The tongue is an unruly thing.. I need to pray every day for the Holy Spirit to bridal mine! I pray that in the end my tongue has done more good than harm. Intimacy with Him is vital and so long as I keep close to His heart, His words will dominate my tongue as His truth's dominate my mind.

To conclude, I am not just waiting for my husband, I am waiting on God. His word tells me He is faithful and I have decided that no matter what people of the world or even trusted friends might say to discourage me or bring doubt, I will believe the promises of God over all other voices. Call me stubborn or crazy but I have already seen God answer prayers sometimes doubted would be answered in He answered them so abundantly I was on my face in tears at His goodness. I've seen Him come through in situations that looked hopeless and screwed up beyond human repair. Although my faith may only be as small as mustard seed, I believe He will respond to that faith and until then I wait in patience and eager anticipation. Until then I find all I need in Him. He is enough.

Thoughts as of Monday, April 26th, 2010

Thoughts/Poetry/Venting

An uncontrollable whirlwind, I am, no period
Finding ways to make simple things mysterious --- - -- - ~~-~~~~~
My thoughts a never-ending prism
of bending light and odd angles… one might catch a glimpse
if on the same colourful time warp for only an instant.
I, a right brained child in a left-run world,
trying and sometimes succeededing to succeed whilst not fitting the frame of everyday
happenings.
Eagle's eye perspective I see;
as whole perspective is mine, I cannot ignore certain pieces.

One of the honest ones I am,
yet if I can identify the loopholes in our textbook system,
I'll quickly opt for them.
The human heart and mind has no textbook,
so why do we try to remedy life and answer the big questions with bullet form answers?

I am not one for shortcuts, rather I wish to experience and witness everything in one lifetime;
That does not work for one on the regimented path of a 4-year undergrad and another 5 for the masters.
Experiential learning is where I thrive, and since life cannot be learned in the classroom, I wish to be outdoors, immersed in the mess of it all and finding joy in the grime and dirt where the "least of these" scrape by. Bringing joy to the life of someone who has been consistently ignored and downtrodden by simply opening a door for them with a smile and a sincere hello.

Knowledge is only good if we use it in action to better this world.
Idle knowledge puffs up and wastes student loans or hard earned money.
Borrower is servant to the lender.
I only ever want to serve Jesus.
Owed money ties down;
Debt-free leaves me free to obey and go where He sends when He sends.

Sometimes I have moments.

Moments of dangerous comparisons to my "normal" sisters,
who didn't hesitate in pursuing post secondary aspirations
… well such moments leave me somewhat deflated and critical of my lack of paper achievements.

Then I am struck with the beautiful revelation of paper. Oh paper.
Ha! PAPER!! A glorious thing for conveying words, poetry, making ancient stories last centuries beyond occurrence.
Paper, simple pureed flattened wood.
Biodegradable.
Paper will not follow us into eternity.
Souls will.
As much as we live out our existence as if souls are banana peels we throw out the window on a road trip that will just break down into the dirt and be good for the environment… souls don't work like that. They have memories, feelings, thoughts, experiences, and make decisions every day of eternal consequence.
We have responsibility.
We know better.
Do we?
The only thing any of us Jesus followers should be aspiring to
is to be soul-winners, disciples, and apostles. Even more so, true fathers and mothers.
For some people, having a piece of paper with a "Dr" or "Professor" next to their name is just one of the necessary steps to fulfilling their purpose here
or walking out their dream.

Let's face it, some souls are so high up the social, political, or academic ladder, they won't give a second thought to someone who isn't on the same playing field as them.
I admire those who can do it and love it and live a full life at the same time.
No small feat.
I just need to recognize and remember that I'm not one of those.
And that's ok.
I am intelligent and would love to further expand my overall knowledge of the world and all that is in it.
However, if I am not first faithful with the wealth of knowledge that has already been provided…
if I am not faithful with the simple command of living a life of radical love for people,
enough to tell them about a personal God who wants to walk with them through life and bring complete freedom..
well then all added information is simple gluttony.
Speaking of gluttony, it is one of the biggest reasons I gave up on conventional structured church.
The hoard of sheep that stampede to church screaming gimme, gimme, gimme!
Need, need, need … counsel me, pour into me, teach me, recommend another 10 books I can read to be a better Christian.
It's like we went from eating baby food, to solid food, and we can't digest it because we never first learned to digest the baby food... never got off our lazy bums to
move out and do anything with the first serving we received, let alone 2nd course, 3rd, 4th, 5th…and so on.
And and as if a six course meal isn't enough, we demand desert! MORE MORE MORE and rarely, give give give.
A body cannot remain healthy if all it does is eat and never exercise.
We have become gluttons of information when all Jesus asked for was simple fishermen to love their neighbours.
To love them enough to share the good news because we care about the eternal consequences of their souls if we don't. That is a healthy fear of God. Something hard to come by these days.
The buildings people meet in every Sunday and the things that happen in them,
well I just don't see it being how Jesus did/does things.
I don't see the communities surrounding these imploding buildings being dramatically changed or even remotely rocked. The majority of western churches have become big festering ingrown hairs, a nasty and repulsive thing that no person in the world who is really seeking long term radical, world-changing growth is going to be attracted to.
I want to be part of the body but in the family context, not an institution.
I don't want to be another ghost melting into the mixing pot of endless programs, 12 steps, and "small groups".
Tornados like myself don't fit well within four walls.
I need accountability, hence relationships that are deeper than the sabbath morning "Hello! How are you? Oh good, I'm doing well. Have a nice day!"
To love each other enough to lay our lives down for one another… to call in the middle of the week and ask about that thing I was struggling with
and if there is anything I need prayer for.
To know I can call my spiritual family members and ask them to stand with me, knowing they will, and it is ok if I fall, because none of us are running for church mayor
or the "holier-than-thou" plaque.
Yes I am a tornado but I need anchorage and a foundation to return to.
I see the big picture but who will sit down with me and plot out the steps to see these visions fulfilled?
A tornado outside in it's natural habitat can be a beautiful thing. Bring it near buildings and man-construed things or try to contain such a monsoon...
all we will be is disappointed. Destruction.
I don't want to destroy, yet nor can I bear to lay dormant.
It is a silent death
to know things and not act on them.
I might as well become a doormat if I don't live as I am called to live. LIVE!

To be continued. . .