I've given it some thought and there is no short or simple answer. In fact the more I think about it the more I realize how deep my desire for marriage is! So here it is. A list of reasons all just as important as the others:
1) I have always wanted my own children and I seem to have a protective mothering way about me. I am a natural with kids of all ages and I've often said that if I am not married by a certain age I will just adopt a couple orphans because there are far too many orphans and not enough parents adopting and it would be better for an orphan to have a mother rather than no mother or father. I simply love kids and I believe they have so much to teach us... often these are things we knew ourselves as children and forgot with years and experiences of life that time always brings. There is a beautiful innocence and simplicity with which children approach life and even in their unwavering faith in a devoted mother's word or a faithful father's promise... it is that same childlike faith we need to have to enter the kingdom of God. I believe the less time we (as adults) spend with children, the easier it is to forget these simple truths and the less we learn about God's heart as a Father. If I want more of His Father's heart in me so that I can mother the next generation, what better way than to become a biological mother myself!
2) I am a very relational person and I like to put 150% into each friendship. As a result of so many people living with fear of man and/or fear of rejection, most people are not that way (protective instincts) so in almost all of my friendships and relationships I am constantly having to hold back a great deal in order that others don't feel overwhelmed at the intensity with which I naturally approach things. Got has given me an intense and passionate spirit and I do believe that when my soul meets another soul with equal intensity and passion it will only make sense to partner with each other in a life long walk of marriage. I have considered being single my whole life and told God if he asked that of me I would do it. I know one can have deep and meaningful friendships with those of the same gender. Still there is a certain way that a man and woman compliment each other and balance each other out that two of the same gender just can't do. There is also a certain kind of intimacy that can only be experienced between a man and a woman. I want to know what it is like to be as close to another human as is humanly possible.
3) With girlfriends, even a heart & soul sister girlfriend.. we could travel the world together and share many memories but there would never be a guarantee that one would end up meeting someone and getting married and that friendship would never be as close or consistent as it once was during all the times when we were both single. With a husband, once we have committed our lives to each other, that's it, we are committed. For better or for worse I know I will have someone to walk with me through every season of life. I have always had a deep desire to have a life-long companion to share with me the memories of each place we travel, each person we meet, each journey God sends us on... someone to pray and war with... where we know each other and the history of one another so intimately that when there are times that words cannot be used, there is an unspoken understanding nevertheless.
4) With each step I take close to God, as the Father continues to draw me deeper, and with each new revelation of His overwhelming and surpassing love for me... I long for the opportunity to show that love to others. Since we as the body of Christ are His bridegroom, and Jesus is my true husband.. I feel like the ultimate test of my capacity to love would be in the form of marriage. I want the chance to love someone the way God loves me. To be in the kind of relationship where that person lets me into the deepest parts and shares things with me they have shared with no one else. To be in a relationship where there is that safety of commitment and I can share at the same depths knowing they won't run off on me. To see the best in a person along with their imperfections and to have the opportunity to love them unconditionally for exactly who they are at that point in their life. To completely know, and to be completely known... and to love and be loved anyways. Of course only God can ever know us COMPLETELY but as much as a human can know another... I want to experience that. My love has been tested in family relationships.. and it has been tested in friendships... it is still tested on a continual basis. But I want more of a challenge than that. I know marriage is one of the most difficult journeys a person can embark on, but I also believe it can be the most rewarding and exhilarating adventure of them all.
5) Seeing my parents separate and divorce when I was young but old enough to remember is something I have learned a great deal from. At times I was shattered by the decisions my parents made... I never understood why it happened to my family and all my friends' parents managed to stay together (of course as the years went on more and more parents got divorced but it wasn't quite a trend when it happened to my family). Why did my parents choose to stop loving each other and why did they have to use us as pawns to hurt one another as the ultimate betrayal... turning your own children against your former spouse. Having your own children see you fall off your pedestal and no longer look up to you like they once did... how hard would that be for a parent? Seeing my own father go through 2 divorces and marry 3 times... watching my mom date man after man who didn't love God or know how to treat a daughter of the living God.. seeing my mom get into relationships that mimicked marriage in that they were sexual but lacking the safety of marriage vows. Seeing the emotional and extreme highs and lows she went through as a result. Total "cloud nine" bliss.. then wallowing in the lowest gutters of depression and self-pity. I watched and saw how damaging these relationships were and how even though my parents gained more life experience and learned from each one, they were not necessary experiences and the fruit it produced in their hearts and on their faith was not good fruit. I witnessed firsthand what results from broken covenant. In my own relationship with God I have been blessed to know true covenant relationship with my Maker. To know that He is faithful and He will never leave or forsake me, even if all others do, He will be there. Always. In a world where divorce is a trend and fear of commitment or even getting married is so high I wish to get married and model my marriage as that of our covenant relationship with God. Through the Holy Spirit's help I wish to show the world that it is not impossible for two human beings to commit to each other for an entire lifetime and to choose to love each other with an agape love throughout this earthly life. I learned a lot from watching my parents and while I could have concluded by watching them that marriage is just a joke or no guarantee that one might leave when things get rough... I have instead concluded that I will not make the same decisions as them. I will do better. I am sure I will still make mistakes but I will have a marriage with God at the center and where love is a choice, not mere feelings or emotions. Emotions and feelings come and go but covenant vows made before an almighty God are not vows made to be broken and ultimately we must choose to love unconditionally. It is not something that comes naturally to our human nature.. but the more we become united with God and one with His Spirit, the more our human nature is overpowered by our new God-given nature and God-given desires. The more revelation I get of His love for me and how deeply and completely He has forgiven me, the more I want to love like Him on others and the more I realize my need to extend that same forgiveness and grace to others. To lay my life down. Marriage is the ultimate laying down of one's life as it is a constant give and take, compromise, surrender, submitting, preferring another over yourself, sacrificing...etc.
6) I feel that at some point in my life God is going to send me into some of the darkest evil corners on this earth to bring His light. Specifically in areas where women and children are being abused in every way imaginable and even in ways we can't imagine... my heart is to bring His justice and mercy and light into those places. To rescue and defend those whom no one else will protect. To intercede and bring down spiritual strongholds that bind the people doing these things and to see souls set free!! The thing is, I know that to go into such places as a single woman would be asking for trouble. While I do believe that the Lord can protect me in any den of lions I would have to be sooooo sensitive to His voice all the time in order to only go where He sends me and to stop in my tracks when He says thats far enough. I am not saying that once I get married I won't need to hear from the Lord for myself anymore. On the contrare, I will need to hear from Him all the more! I just think that two pairs of ears are better than one especially when it comes to confirmation and walking in united agreement. Even in practical things.. if one falls down, the other is there to pick him/her up. I really do believe that with most things in life, two is better than one. While I have told God I will go into the brothel districts and gang dens of the world all by myself if that is how He sends me... I would not protest if He should choose to send me a husband to walk beside me saying "She is mine, don't even think about it."
7) Ultimately I do not believe God would have given me such a deep desire to experience covenant relationship with a man on earth if God did not intend to fulfill that desire. If God had wanted me to walk out His calling for my life as a celibate and single woman, He would have given me the grace for it. He still could. However I suspect that as my desire for marriage only deepens with each wave of love I find in knowing Him... I suspect that He intends to meet that desire with more than I ever could have dreamed for.
In the beginning even as glorious as all His creation was... after Adam God still knew something was missing. SomeONE was missing. He said, it is not good for man to be alone. I think that He meant "man" as in mankind. So I read that as "It is not good for a man or woman to be alone." Somehow I don't think God has changed His mind. I think we have been designed for marriage and the enemy does everything in his power to separate/alienate us from each other because once we feel totally alone we are the easiest target for temptation and sin.
Somewhere out there there is a man with a missing rib and when we unite I will fit into his ribcage like I was never independent of it! I may be one of the most independent women I know but not out of choice or any desire to be alone; more out of circumstances and necessity. Someday someone will come along that I can depend on and likewise he will learn to depend on me...together we will live a life of dependancy on God as we realize that each breath is a gift and he cannot make one hair on our own heads black or white. He holds matter together itself! What a mind boggling Creator we serve.
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