Vulnerability is our most accurate measurement of courage.
Join me on a journey of vulnerability, honesty, and learning to love and be loved in the kind of way that risks everything, but also offers the possibility of gaining so much more and living a life richer than before we jumped off into the deep end. The shallow end of love might be safe, but it is also boring! I even wonder if real love has a shallow end. Maybe, but I don't want to stay there.
I've sort of reworded the "tense" of the quote below which I heard from Brene Brown in her talk on "The Power of Vulnerability" found here on youtube:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iCvmsMzlF7o
We only get connection with authenticity. We must be willing to let go of who we think we should be in order to be who we really are. We must fully embrace vulnerability. We need to believe that what makes us vulnerable makes us beautiful. We must be willing to say "I love you" first. We must be willing to do things with no guarantees. We must be willing to invest in a relationship that may or may not work out. (scary, I know)
Recently I had to be vulnerable with trusted friends about my weaknesses that I have not fully grown into strengths yet. Areas of growth that I wish were already healed but I know deep down God still needs to remould and shape into His image. I also had to admit to a mistake/hasty decision I made out of orphan/independent thinking. I realized that it is a lot easier to be vulnerable about things you have totally healed from and are now in the past than it is to be vulnerable about the things you currently struggle with. I mean it's not that hard to tell someone about a past struggle when you are telling it from the victorious standpoint and have come through it. A lot of us seem to have this silly idea that whole, happy, successful people just "arrived" there overnight and just because we didn't know them personally before-hand, in the midst of and through the process, we assume there was no process. So when we are in the midst of process ourselves, we feel guilty or embarrassed for not having it altogether all the time. In reality, none of us have it all together all the time. I recognize that for me, struggles are a direct result and in immediate connection to lies that have been assailing me from all directions that most of the time I seem to fight off, but at times they get in through chinks in my armour and find a way to get to my heart and emotions. I know better than anyone what the chinks in my armour are. It is when I avoid or do not make time for intimacy with my Father. It is my life's greatest irony that the one thing I want most I run from the hardest sometimes. Intimacy. Raw honesty. Vulnerability. Even though I know from past experience that my life is richest when I embrace these things, I still forget sometimes and I go through the motions while my spirit gets dull and my heart lonelier by the day. I know it isn't healthy, and I know I am not being myself when I allow this to happen.
This is actually how the only "relationship" I have ever been in ended. I stopped being myself. I was most myself when it was long distance and that distance provided a sense of safety which made it easier to bear my heart. It was also easier to be real from a distance because I had not risked very much yet so there was less to lose and less chance of being hurt. I hadn't yet moved across the country for love. I was just getting to know someone and letting them get to know me, and it was safe. Neither of us had had to altar our lives too much yet so it was easy to just be ourselves when we were still both so comfortable in familiarity. Then I moved to Ontario and everything changed. I unwittingly lied to myself and others saying that I was good at adapting quickly (which is true in some ways), but the way I came across made it seem like I was not struggling and that I didn't need anyone to help me adjust. I would just figure it out on my own and adapt over time in my own independent way. Not healthy and not true!! I slowly let fear and shame turn me into someone I wasn't. Fear of being vulnerable and getting hurt. Fear of loss. Fear of loving and not being loved in return. Shame from letting some physical boundaries down that I knew were not honouring God or even each other. While I kept my purity and have still never kissed a man, I still let things happen that were led by hormones and a desire to be close to someone, rather than being led by the Holy Spirit. I never in a million years thought this could happen to me. Many of my friends had fallen in this area, but not me; I would be the exception; the example. Of course in thinking that I was immune to physical, hormonal temptation, I fell and was quickly humbled. I believe that this is what ultimately made it even harder for us to connect spiritually, emotionally, or conversationally. Shame. It is was what ultimately drove us apart and by the time we made the mutual decision to break up, shame and fear were so strongly operating in us that it was easier to run than to be vulnerable or talk things through and risk further hurt or misunderstanding. Shame. That sneaky thing. I was desperate for accountability with spiritual mothers and fathers, with some close heart-friends... but I had just moved to a brand new province where I had none of those people yet. It's not an excuse, just reality. (The enemy always waits for an opportune time to strike. The devil is smart, sneaky. He knows when he won't be able to pull one over on us, and he knows when we are at our weakest.) The only person I had was the person I was wanting to know, but also wanting to hide my true self from. Double standard, I know. I wanted him to know me for who I really was, but I wanted him to dig and search me out. I wasn't willing to step out there too many times because I felt like that would make it hard for him to pursue. I wanted to be perfect but by striving to be so, I wonder if I became someone he couldn't relate to, stopped being authentic, and stopped being the true woman God made me to be. As a result, I felt like I was slowly dying inside and I felt trapped. The longer I was in this "relationship" in person, the more I feared that if I was my full self, I would be more than he could handle. So I held back. I tried to be more quiet and un-opinionated. I tried not to let my emotions out, or at least not in front of him. Most of the time that I wanted to talk about something on my heart, or admit to one of my weaknesses so that he knew I was struggling in that area, I kept my mouth firmly shut. If I knew he was struggling in an area, I purposely didn't excel in that area, because I didn't want to be ahead of him and in some twisted way I even thought that by pulling back in my relationship with God, he would feel more able to lead in the whole God area. I also just got lazy in that regard because I didn't have any accountability or support system and it was easy to slip when I was the most isolated I had ever been in my entire life.
Let me give you some free advice. If you have just moved somewhere and you don't have a single "in person" heart-friend, no spiritual mothers or fathers, and no support system established... DO NOT enter into a courting or dating relationship until those things are established. Other than the fact that you should be two whole people coming together to create an even bigger whole, you don't want to be dependent on someone for things you need to be getting in non-romantic friendships or with family. I needed emotional connection. If I had immediately found a couple girlfriends or "moms" to get that with, I would not have felt so emotionally bankrupt in my "romantic" relationship. I needed to talk things through verbally since I process things by talking them through or writing about them, but it really helps if I have a friend listening and helping me through the processing when I need second opinions or they just have some helpful insight or feedback. If I had found this in the beginning, I would not have been wanting it so much from him, even though with patience, it might have come over time. Touch, I needed touch. They say every human being needs 15 meaningful touches every day. Do we all get that. Most of us, probably not. At least since I have been single most of my life, and my family has been so spread out and especially my sisters have been so far from me, I know I have not gotten even a fraction of the physical affection I know I needed over the years. But at least back in BC, I had my mom and some close girlfriends I could get hugs from, snuggle with, and give and receive non-sexual, healthy physical affection from. If I had waited to find that with a few girlfriends here, I would not have caved so easily to seeking that from the man I was in relationship with. Seriously, this is so key to keeping healthy boundaries. If physical touch is one of your biggest love languages (and like me, you may not even realize it until you are in your first relationship), then you need to make sure you get sufficient healthy affection from family and friends so that you don't let your guard down when you are with the person who gives you insane butterflies just from touching your shoulder. And finally, if you stop seeking Jesus to meet all those needs, you are in big trouble. And I mean, bigger trouble than just seeing your relationship with your significant other end. You are forsaking your first Love and breaking His heart, there-in putting a growing distance between you and Him because of the shame of not seeking His face, which only serves to essentially stop/stagnate you in your spiritual growth and walk with Christ, which only adds to your growing "secret" unhappiness, which will definitely seep into and affect all your relationships, especially the one you are trying to hold on to in all the wrong ways!!
If you put shame in a petri dish it needs 3 things to grow exponentially: secrecy, silence, and judgement. If you put the same amount of shame in a petri dish and douse it with empathy, it can't survive. Two most powerful words when we're in struggle "me too". If we're going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path. -Brené Brown
So I am on a journey to finding my way back to where I was before I had my first relationship. I trusted God whole-heartedly and began the relationship by trusting with no reserves, no regrets, no fears, and absolute un-flinching hope. If finding my way back to a healthy and happy heart means trusting Him and trusting others, risks included, that is what I must do. Sometimes I have days or even weeks where I feel that level of trust is back. But it is not a constant companion again, not yet anyways. Every time I think I have reached a new level of trust in Him, He tests me with some sort of trial or attack, and the reality of where my heart is really at is revealed. It hurts sometimes to see the naked truth of my own unfaithfulness and my wavering trust. I say that I trust Him no matter what my circumstances are. But how often do I make a hasty decision based out of fear at a difficult circumstance that suddenly side-slams me?? Well, let's just say I can think of several specific examples in the past 2 months. Did I learn from them. Sure. I definitely never want to make the same mistake twice. That is just stupidity, because I know the end result won't be any better than last time. Could they have been avoided if I had taken the time to slow down, quiet my heart & mind, and let my spirit connect with my Father, asking Him what to do before acting? Yes, most definitely. I want to only live out of His daily, living word to me. Am I there yet? No. Do I wish I was. So much. Bright side... people can actually relate to me when I admit my imperfections. Our imperfections actually bring us together because as we all begin sharing our struggles and weaknesses, we realize that others have gone through the same things and can understand us, and we are not alone. It is actually the most wonderful feeling when we realize we are not alone anymore. The other bright side is that in my weaknesses, His strength is made manifest. His grace gets to swoop in and blow me away because I know I don't deserve it, but that is just what grace is. Undeserved favour and forgiveness. Second, third, twentieth chances. I mean I don't rejoice in my weakness, but I know that it is an opportunity for God to grow me, stretch me, and show others that while I might seem to have it all together a lot of the time (I'm really good at giving that impression), I too am human and sometimes just need a shoulder to cry on. Sometimes I just want to be held by someone and cry out all of the fears, insecurities, unfulfilled hopes or dreams, until all that is left is a comfortable emptiness that God can fill with love, security, renewed hope, and just being able to rest in the fact that I know He is good all the time, and that is all that matters.
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope. Romans 5:3-4
"There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out all fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. We love Him because He first loved us." 1 John 4:18-19
There have been times when I really have loved fearlessly and with abandon. That was before I had ever experienced a broken heart, but still, I remember what it felt like to just love with no expectations and only hope, joy, and excitement. It was the best. I realize that love has not been perfected in me, because I do still feel fear sometimes. Fear to love again, to trust again, to show my imperfections and still be accepted for me. I crave transparency but I am also terrified of it, and the process of getting there. But I have also come to another conclusion that usurps all of the above. If fear involves torment, it is actually better to feel the fear and take the risk of giving everything and having your heart crushed... than to hold back and be tormented with loneliness, isolation, and the pain of letting no one really know who you are, and there-fore never being loved for who you really are. Now that would be torment. Fear torments you with the possibility of rejection, disappointment, misunderstandings, failure...yatta yatta yatta. Yet being vulnerable and loving anyways opens the door for deep understanding, acceptance, love, success, hopes realized, and dreams come true. I say all of this but I am nowhere near there. I am on my way and fully believing God will heal every unhealed area, and lead me, one day at a time, into a deeper love and trust in Him first, then in others. I have realized that if I cannot allow myself to trust God, and let Him see my heart for all that I really am, there is no way I will be able to let others in and trust another human being. If I do not first start every day by trusting the most good, holy, just, loving, trustworthy, compassionate, joyful Father-God who is also Love itself, there is no way I will ever truly be able to trust human beings (including myself) who are so fickle, imperfect, changing, different and who will for sure at some point let us down. But then what would love be if there was no risk of loss? Love hopes all things, love believes all things, love bears all things... am I willing to bear with someone else's weaknesses, even if they directly affect or hurt me? Love endures all things, love is long-suffering, love never seeks it's own gain. Love never fails.
Love is often measured by the level of pain you experience when a person fails you in some way.
When you say,"I will never let anyone hurt me like that again" you have just exiled yourself to the Antarctica; the cold hearted land of loneliness and isolation! - Kris Vallotton
I have decided that I will make a daily conscious decision to kick fear in the butt and only make decisions out of love instead. One simple truth I have learned over and over in life is this: Decisions made out of love reap good fruit and joy; decisions made out of fear reap bad fruit and disappointment/shame.
Finally, after meditating on all these things, I always come back to Jesus. I think of how He was God and already knew that so many of the ones He loved unconditionally would reject, betray, torture, scourge, and ultimately crucify Him. He loved us SO much that He died the most humiliating, painful death, even though He knew that so many of us would turn our backs on this mind-blowing amazing love. He loved me with abandonment, totally recklessly getting nailed to the cross, and all the while knowing that I would never be able to love Him back in the way He loves me. His love for me is perfect. My love is imperfect. So why do I hold back from Him sometimes?? It is totally illogical. It is because the memory of pain (in general) is not totally erased from my heart. I am sure that, like me, just about everyone's parents were not able to love them perfectly. They are human. All of our friends have let us down in some way at some point. I have to be so careful not to let my experience and understanding of earthly love skew my image of God and His perfect love. We all view God through our life experiences and if there are any painful things we have gone through that we have not allowed Him to heal, then we will view God through foggy glasses. We can actually forget that His love is bigger than our pain, our problems, our weaknesses, our fears. His love can conquer ALL those things and even more than we realize needs to be conquered. Wow, praise His holy, awesome, perfect name!
He is so merciful!!
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Tag thoughts:
Pain is not bad. It just means that we need to let God work on an area our hearts. It means we need healing, and the good news is that our God is a God who heals. Completely! He is pretty good at it too; just look at all the walking miracles of people who have come through the most horrific things and not only lived to tell the tale, but have amazing victorious testimonies as a result.
Just today I read an article that interviewed Jason Valloton, Kris Valloton's son, after his book was published talking about how he handled his wife having an affair and leaving him. He offers a great response to this question: What advice would you offer to help others who experienced an affair or other hardships?
I would say there are some really great verses in the Bible that say, “God gives you beauty for ashes” and “He makes all things new” and He’ll change your path and your future into something that’s beautiful. Learn how to not let your emotions be your guide. Your emotions are really important tools in your life. They let you know what you need but they don’t necessarily tell you how to get there nor are they always the right motivation. So, being in pain, your pain says something right away. Pain says: “Do something, do anything to get out of this right now,” which, oftentimes leads us to medicate, whether that’s pornography or a rebound. We all hear about the rebound, which is pain. Pain is saying, “Go find somebody else, go do something to not feel this way”. But really, the best thing to do is to be okay feeling that way and to let God work through it with you. - Jason Valloton
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